The Loss of a Pet

It's a strange limbo land to be in...mourning the death of pet.  A great sadness descends over you that will not lift until it's run it's course.  You know there are more important things going on in the world; perhaps, more important deaths to mourn.  Right now this is my personal journey. I'm finding my husband and I are more sad at different times.  I'm super sad in the morning.  I woke up every day with this little ball of sunshine.  I started my day with a fuzzy nose demanding attention.  She and I knew what this love and attention was about, but she gave it to me.  It was the wake up and prepare me breakfast dance.  It started with a quick snuggle in the bed.  Then moved to a charge down the hallway.  Now the peek back around the corner to make sure I was actually coming down the hallway.  As I turned the corner saying, "I'm coming, I'm coming," she would do a jump and full length body twirl right in front of the kitchen door.  As if she were saying, "The kitchen is right here and I'm so cute how can you resist me."  Well, I couldn't.  She got what we called the full treatment for breakfast.  It consisted of 1/3 cup of dry dog food, a sprinkle of canned green beans, a pinch of chicken or tuna and a squirt of fish oil.  She loved this meal.  Why so intricate?  Well, she nearly died 5 years ago when her liver almost quit working.  After 6 months of life saving Veterinarian measures this was the meal she liked and kept her alive.  Why change it.

Now my mornings are very quiet and not cute.  On a plus side I'm suddenly arriving at all morning appointments on time and even a little early.  Often my poodle would say as I was trying to get out the door... "I know I've been out twice, but I need one more before you leave."  How does one say no to an emergency potty break?  I never could.

Often during my morning meetings I'd keep track of the time.  I needed to be home by lunch or close to it.  Yes, I fed my pup lunch.  Again, when she got sick 5 years ago she needed food in her stomach to take her life saving medications.  We began giving her lunch and when she got better she decided she liked having lunch.  When someone you love nearly dies and they are alive and well and they want lunch well you give it to them. My schedule could accommodate it.  She was spoiled.

I did have my detours being a woman of a certain age. I now needed to go to the bathroom first.  The "good morning" pee as I named it when I was potty training my 2nd child, who didn't want to use the bathroom first thing.  Give it a fun happy name and then they want to do it.  I had trained my poodle to "take me to the potty."  We'd get out of bed and then if I'd forget and start to head down the hall she'd funnel me to the bathroom.  I'd thank her immensely and that was her reward.  She always loved a "potty pet."  That's when she'd slowly walk past my seated legs and I'd pet her coming in and she'd slowly turn and get another good back scratch going out.  Now that I had my "good morning pee" I could feed my poodle with out the danger of wetting myself.

I wrote the above shortly after my pet passed.  I couldn't spell check it or even reread it without crying.  Now I can get through it.  It's been 6 months.  6 long months.  We had decided not to get a new dog till after the holidays and after our fence was repaired.  It's January 2nd and we have fence estimates.  With the anticipation of new fuzzy love in my house our hearts are healing.  Never forgetting.  Its time to move on and enjoy life the way we like it... with a dog in the house.

Pilates Experiment

I started Pilates in September after a massage therapist upon hearing about all my physical aches and pains suggested it.  He asked, "Why are you beating yourself up with bootcamp?  Why aren't you doing pilates?"  Well, I didn't really know what pilates was.  Wasn't even on my radar.  My gym has a pilates class, which they do on a mat.  I knew very little about pilates, but I did know it was done on a contraption I later found out is called the reformer.

I came home did research on where pilates studies were in my area.  I have 5.  Picked the closest one and signed up for a personal one on one.  I do this because I have NO idea what to do.  I want a pro to instruct me.  This helps me with my shy, don't like to make mistakes, frighten of new things part of my personality.  I pay for this block of time from a pro to receive instruction, ask questions, make mistakes usually in a very friendly environment.

I've been so lucky in my fitness journey.  First I found Michelle, who got me started and helped me learn the ropes at the gym.  She gently steered me toward clean eating and building muscle. Now I have Jenn a knowledgeable Pilates instructor.  One week for her and my chronic painful shoulders felt so much better.  2 years of babying them at the gym was cured with one week of pilates.  Proper positioning and no weight lifting.  I was all in.

This though created a lot of stress in that when doing pilates I feel like I'm doing nothing.  Literally nothing.  I didn't want to be insulting, because my shoulders were happy, but my legs and arms were starving for strenuous activity.  I decided to just relax into it.  Nothing will be done that I couldn't undo with returning to the gym.

I wanted to come to pilates and have the instructors give me the "Pilates way of life."  This is how we eat.  This is how we work out.  This is how we live.  Got none of that.  Despite my questioning and sharing of my feelings.  I continue to get great workouts that focus on proper body mechanics.  My shoulders say we are where we need to be.

My ever increasing butt size though says I need more.  I put on 15 pounds in 2016.  Nobodies fault but my own.  I've changed my whole way of exercising, but I didn't change the way I ate.  Pilates burns easily half the calories I did at the gym AND its not aerobic.  I'm not getting that zone 2 45 minute burn I need to burn more calories while at rest for 24 hours.

Surprisingly, I still fit in my clothes, but they are tight.  I refuse to buy more clothes.  This is the vow I made to myself as I got fitter and cleaned out my closet over the years.  No more fat clothes.  No more gain 50 pounds or more and THEN do something about it.  Honestly, I've let myself go further than I wanted this time, BUT I'm in transition.  I deserve some grace and understanding.  I also deserve some structure and portion control.

MFP can be my friend.  It really helped me years ago to pinpoint bad habits and create good ones.  Hydration has been a real problem last few months.  I don't start my day with a quart of water that I drink at the gym.  I always feel a quart low and I never feel like drinking water.  New habit drink water.  Make it a habit not a necessity.  Don't wait till I have 2 tsps of water in my system to drink.  I have a app that sends me reminders.  I need to drink 12 cups minimum.  Alarms set accordingly.  I need more movement in my week.  I talked to a trainer, who specializes in active old ladies. HA!  Not even kidding.  She said low impact aerobics perfect pairing with pilates, walking, biking, swimming etc.  I want to walk more, but my plantar fasciitis really gets me.  I found the past few months when I do walking in my street shoes that have good arch support my feet feel better than when I do walking in my walking shoes with arch supports.  SO going to experiment with stiffer arch supports in my walking shoes.

Plans plans plans need to be executed not just talked about it.  My health and well being and size 10 butt that I enjoy so much depend on it.  I'm a gadget girl.  Fitbit on.  Apps ready.  Great attitude loaded.